I’m not very much in the mood of cooking lately. Everyday before going home I’d think, “hmm… I’m gonna buy this and buy that, make this and make that.” but always ended up eating takeout or frozen food. Don’t know why. Another periodic thing probably. Lately, I’ve been rather “relaxed”, not doing anything except those which I HAVE to do, such as paying tax and work. All I do these days are: watching TV (not as much as I used to though), watching DVDs, reading novels and comics, listening to music, and going to concert or theatre sometimes (gonna see Death of a Saleman this weekend :D).
My brain and my ambition are like going into hybernation in a strange time (hey, it’s Spring already!) I just wanna relax not doing anything productive but the guilt is killing me. J once told me, “why not see it as a break?” which gave me a great comfort at that time as I was almost consumed by my guilt. But now I can no longer comfort myself with that cuz it seems that i’ve been taking a break for quite a while. Even though I wouldn’t consider it a quality rest.
Sometimes I’d think that I’ve never really have a period of time totally for myself (though I always seem to have my time for myself.) Some people would have a time off, say between college (or grad school) and work, take a few months to half a year to travel or self-search. Some might argue that I did have a couple of months between grad school and my job, but the mind set is totally different. I was still working on my graduate project in july and in Aug I was all anxious about whether and how I’m gonna find a job. There was no real break. Then again, I guess I’m half to blame, cuz I’m of a personality which is very much afriad of losing everything, and usually ends up with awkward position that’s not too low that I’m easily willing to give up and not too high that I feel accomplished. One day or another, I’ll have to makre real choice and ask myself seriously “Do you settle for mediocrity?” And the answer will be No.