Something happened unexpectedly last night. It was a nice surprise really, and while talking I can’t help but thinking of M, and thinking of how chr said I remaining the same all along. If he’s the prototype, A is like a image, and M is an unblemished, everlasting fantasy.
As I was driving to church this morning. The movie High Fidelity came across my mind. Then I think I’m in the position of Allison’s in a somewhat twisted way. Well, I know it’s quite different. I bet he’s not on the way of searching himself and I was only a mean, a necessary path to review the past. But that’s actually what I always wanna do but haven’t got the guts to. So I do admire the courage, if it required any in his case. There’s another past, another period of time, which I tried to cover. For years I refused to mention, or even just to think about it. But then I overcome the feeling of humiliation (oh, yeah, humiliation again. One of my biggest problem is too self-conscious), I still lack the courage to confront, or put it mildly, to pick up from where we left. To sort things out. Many puzzles remain unsolved cuz I left in a hurry. I literally ran away. Yep, hiding is one of my specialty, my area of strength. Now, I don’t know whether he’d feel annoyed if I approach and say, “Hey, let’s talk about the mess.” One thing that stop me is that I dont wanna disturb his life. He’s now with the person he’s supposed to be with ALL ALONG! The other reason is I don’t really have a noble motivation. don’t really care how he’s doing right now. The reason why I wanna catch up with him is becuz it’s always been a knot in my heart and I wanna get rid of it. Like what Rob did. I’m reluctant is because it’s not justified. To really think of my life, there are actually many things I wasn’t able to do it right at the very moment, and later I tried to make amend but then people have already moved on. How can I pull them back and do what i have to do and then say “Okay you can go now.” I can’t do that. Because I dont know people. I don’t know their state of mind. What if I end up ruin their normal peaceful life. There’s a reason why people said, ” The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Heaven knows how I long to talk to him again. Just to sort things out cuz it was really a huge, flaky mess. But I dare not to mess with his life again, and I’m afraid of the chance of getting hurt again. Heaven knows how I long to know why he’d confess to me out of the blue. The reason I didn’t ask is because I dont wanna make him even more uncomfy, but now it’s even harder to probe.
Anyway, I think it’s a bit easier to do if we’re not friend anymore. Now since we’re still friends, cuz we agreed to act as if nothing has ever happened and it did work amazingly fine, it’s even harder to take the chance breaking the balance…
i’m talking nonsense. Gotta get lunch now.